addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
why
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
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Taxi drivers and rice farmers drove me nuts. Yet another test i'm going to flunk. It's driving me insane. Mr Low was right... it crushes you. I put in so much time so much effort..all those hours, all that research, planning.. everything- just washed down the drain like that. I need to learn to write and think faster. Lack of sleep didn't help much.
So many things. So, so so so many things.
They sound like they want this dream to die. Please let it not be this way. When things are finally picking up... no, this cannot happen.
After a while one realises that one just has zero aptitude for certain activities. I simply cannot comprehend why working so damn hard for an outcome not even a tenth of the effort put in, is supposed to be "worth it". Suddenly, spending the rest of my life unemployed and miserable doesn't seem like such a harsh consequence.
It's just not fair. I don't understand why is it that even though I try so God damn hard it never works out. After all that I still end up below average, below acceptable even. But I know it was never fair. Nobody said it would be.
KJFKLJKLJDASIOUWER just so confused right now. A good week of training mugging and weight loss would really make me a lot happier.... Unfortunately we all know that isn't going to happen.
I keep on seeing this word flashing in red in my head.
FAIL
Every step that I take is another mistake.
On a happier note, I think that the HC cross country team is just the coolest team I've ever seen, in my entire life. If the tri team could be half as organised and bonded, I would be more than happy. It's so great that they have such caring coaches and teachers and a great team spirit. Despite everything they said today about lacking it... Strange how we can train together practically every day and still have the problems that we do. Internal conflicts that are just so unecessary. Hardly feel like i'm part of a team, feels more like an individual thing...